…and bin the IQ paraphernalia because I have discovered the best way to sort your candidate sheep from your candidate goats: Simply place an advertisement in a public place, for instance, for a bike. Add a photograph along with a full description of the provenance of said bike. Explain that the buyer must collect. Sit back and wait.
Can you deliver it?
No, I explained in the advert that the buyer must collect.
Aha, I thought you might just be saying that…
What colour is the bike?
It’s blue. Exactly as in the photograph you imbecile. (I didn’t actually say that because the bike’s red.)
Will it go in the back of my car?
Well, let me just put my psychic hat on for you. Yes, Madam. It will especially if your car is a Fiat 500 because this bike has magical powers gleaned from its owner.
Has it got pedals?
No. I’m not joking. And they interrupted my viewing of Educating Yorkshire to ask that, so I may have been terser than the question demanded.
Would it be suitable for my daughter?
I could go on but you would, like me, despair for the future of humanity.